Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Super-Fun Last Day of Baseball
I'm feeling kucky so I'm in no shape to help Jessica prepare for her craft show tonight so I'm chilling on the couch with 3 channels of baseball, the internet, and a whole lot of drama to watch.
ESPN and ESPN2 are showing the Sox-Orioles and Phillies-Braves, respectively. My nephew Byrd is upset that the Junkees are trotting out a bunch of schmucks against the Rays but the Sox get to hit against something called Alfredo Simon. In an hour, the Crew take on the Buccos, needing a win to get home field against the D-Bags who pulled a Gibson last night of an even more epic proportion.
7:16pm. Big Papi just got a walk after the ump blew a called third-strike curve ball from Simon but no damage was done.
7:17pm. Meanwhile a re-hydrated Tim Hudson is at 21 pitches already 2 outs into the 1st and Ryan Howard generally murders him... and then launches an opposite-field double to score Pence who walked. Braves... walking dead.
7:20pm. Jon Lester starting for the Sox and Hudson gets out of the inning with only 1 run in but 26 pitches.
7:23pm. J.J. Hardy doubles to the opposite field. He has 29 homers?? Ugh. Shortstops who are not Yuni-B make me depressed. It's weird that ESPN has the strike-zone displayed for the live pitches. Hardy is stranded.
7:27pm. Chipper Jones sac fly scores Michael Bourn who has the worst slide ever. Little ball! Singles, steals, moving the runner! Joe Blanton! Tie game. Also, the Junkees got a run somehow against the Rays (Zobrist error).
7:31pm. Byrd is mad. Dellin Betances: 10 pitches, 7 balls vs. Rays in bottom of first. He has an EIGHTEEN ERA. Despite walking the ballpark, he gets out of the inning. Byrd reminded me that Betances is one of the Junkee future-star "killer B's."
7:40pm. The ESPN announcers are making fun of Mark Reynolds. Last night the Red Sox radio guys were making fun of Mark Reynolds. Reynolds does not strike out this time, however. He grounds into a nice DP by Aviles and Pedroia.
7:42pm. Brian McCann strikes out looking with a man on second and no one out. He looks like he immediately is heading to the clubhouse to watch the video on the bad call. Matt Diaz gets an infield single to make it first and third and now Jack Wilson is up. Wow, this team is not going anywhere even if they win tonight. Too many former Pirates.
7:48pm. Jack Wilson strikes out. Tim Hudson strikes out on two pitches out of the zone. Awful. Meanwhile Sox have first and second with no outs and ESPN managers are saying how Pedroia should bunt because the game is "important." Tito, thankfully, does not call for the bunt and Pedroia singles up the middle for the first run.
7:50pm. The wheels are coming off for David Price. He's got the bases loaded, one out, and Granderson is up.
7:52pm. Granderson pops up and Big Papi grounds into a double play. A-Gon is walked and Ryan Lavarnway is set up to be a hero. Meanwhile, Teixeira grand slams Price and the Sox fans rejoice. Yankees 5, Rays 0.
7:57pm. Lavarnway strikes out. 1-0 Sox.
7:58pm. Cole Hamels is pitching for the Phillies? Back-to-back dink singles by Bourn and Prado set up Chipper as the ESPN guys suggest a bunt. Come on! Then Bourn popped up off third on a double-steal that he'd beaten the throw. Pure tools, baby. Then Chipper K's. Then Uggla... on an 0-2 pitch... goes yard! 3-1 Braves.
8:06pm. J.J. Hardy. Well, now he has 30 homers. Orioles "believe they have found their 'long-term' solution at shortstop." Orioles, 2-1.
8:08pm. Ryan Howard rips a 3-0 fastball past the terribly-ranged diving Uggla. Two on for the Phillies with no outs in the 4th. Hudson up to 53 pitches.
8:10pm. We're told Jose Reyes bunted for a hit and then took himself out of the game earlier today so he can win the batting title. Braun will have to get a couple hits, probably. Jeff Locke looking to "lock" up the victory for the Pirates. Pirates are hitting Granky hard. Cardinals have a run in before even a first out as Pooholes gets third straight single against Brett Myers.
8:13pm. Hudson gets out of the inning. So does Granky.
8:16pm. 2-0 Cardinals. Four straight singles to start the game. Buccos are using a sign sequence against Hart as the first hitter. Is the Crew stealing signs?
8:17pm. David Freese doubles to break up the run of singles. 3-0 Cardinals.
8:20pm. Simon balks and Scutaro ties the game 2-2. Myers gets an out, then gives up another hit. 4-0 Cardinals. Mike Aviles steals and is out by a mile with Tacoby up. Hmm. Little ball!
8:24pm. Nick Freaking Punto just singled. Who is killing the Braves more right now - the Phillies or the Phormer Phillie. Brett Myers has gotten 1 out with 39 pitches. After striking out Carpenter, who has yet to appear in the game, and getting John Jay to ground out on the first pitch, he's finally out of it. Ugh. 5-0 Cardinals.
8:28pm. Granky is still putting Buccos on the bases. Hudson has gotten through 5. Lester through 4.
8:30pm. Here's the lineup that the Astros are going to use to battle back from a 5-0 1st inning deficit: J.B. Shuck, Jose Altuve, J.D. Martinez, Carlos "actual (bad) major leaguer" Lee, Brian "Bogus, dude" Bogusevic, Jimmy Paredes, Clint Barmes, Humberto Quintero. Surprisingly, they go down in order. I don't think I can even pay attention to that thing.
8:35pm. Prince Fielder looks like he could eat Jeff Locke. If he was made of tofu. But he pops out to left. Pedroia homers to take a 3-2 Sox lead. Junkees got another run and Teixeira homers again for a 6-0 lead.
8:38pm. Papi slaps one an inch below a homer for a three-true-outcome single knocking Simon out of the game. Clint Hurdle is saying his high point of the year is "Bucco fans." I kind of like Lacee Collins. She reminds me of someone I know... can't place who though.
8:42pm. Jack Wilson turns a nice double-play to clear the bases ahead of Howard. Hudson strikes him out and Braves still lead 3-1, mid-6th.
8:46pm. Jon-Luc cracks a solo homer just over Xavier Paul's leap. 1-0 Crew. Oh good, Carlos Gomez is playing... and popping out in foul territory on the first pitch. ESPN plays commercials for shows starting "tonight at 9pm" on ABC. What does that tell you about dedication to their content? Sox can't get either of their baserunners in with 3 outs.
8:50pm. Hart goes opposite field. 2-0 Crew. Braves have a couple on with no out and Brian McCann is up again while Rich "smoke some" Dubee visits Vance Worley, the third Phillie Phlinger.
8:53pm. McCann strikes out again, this time swinging. He's an ugly, ugly man. Diaz strikes out. Everyone on the Braves is a fat white guy with a crew cut.
8:56pm. Braun is 0 for 2. No batting title here, folks. Jack Wilson comes through with a 2-out base hit but Dan Uggla is out at home from Hunter Pence/Under Pants/Hunger Pangs and a good home plate block by Carlos Ruiz. Meanwhile the Junkees pile on, as do the Cardinals... 7-0 and 6-0. I think I'm going to just call those.
8:59pm. I kind of like the self-deluding, ennui-filled gen-x girl in these car commercials talking about her parents' lousy lives as the parents tool around in their new car, living life to the fullest. "I'm kind of killing it out here."
9:03pm. Jason Heyward looked like he was trying to fake catching the ball on a double by Ibanez with 1 out. Hudson with 95 pitches. Jaramillo singles in D-Lee to get the Buccos on the board. 2-1 Crew.
9:06pm. Hudson looked tired but got an easy double-play ball to Jack Wilson who boots it. 3-2 Braves and Hudson taken out of game. Hudson said a nice thing to Jack on the way off the mound. He'll get his if they wind up losing.
9:09pm. There's a really loud heckler in Baltimore. I can't tell who he's rooting for. Big Prince just doubled. Lacee Collins kept getting screened out of her shot by Garth Iorg. My least favorite baseball card as a kid. Don't block Lacee, yo!
9:12pm. Lester walks the first two hitters. Vladdy cuts at the first pitch. I love Vladdy. Fielder gets caught going to third on Rickie's single. Amazing DP by Scutaro and Pedroia on Vlad. Eric O'Flaherty gets the Braves out of an inning with a DP.
9:15pm. Lester walks another. Then strikes out Pac-Man Jones who swings at ball 4. Sox preserve lead through 6.
9:20pm. Cardinals tack on another. Whatever, Poo Holes!
9:21pm. Well shut my mouth. Carlos Gomez with a 3-run jack may have just won home field advantage for the Crew. He homered in Game 1 and homered in Game 162. Crew up 5-1.
9:24pm. Venters Avenue on in the 8th for the Braves against their meat of the order. McCann can't hold on to a foul tip third strike from Utley which leads to Venting. Then Utley walks. Pence pounds one off the plate that would have been a double for Vince Coleman. Utley to second, Howard up. They are talking about pitching around him, as a lefty. Howard is in "playoff mode" where he hits lefties so I guess Venters is going to pitch around him. Or just drill him in the shoulder. John Mayberry... full count...
9:31pm. Mayberry draws a walk. Bases juiced. Pinch runner in for Howard. Someone called Michael Martinez.
9:32pm. Raul Ibanez. Even if the Braves hold on, I can't see them hanging with the Cardinals tomorrow. Venters strikes out Ibanez with his 27th pitch. I guess anything can happen in one game.
9:34pm. Umpires call for the tarp in Baltimore. Bottom of the 7th. Still 3-2 Sox. Arizona is about to get underway. Hopefully it won't matter.
9:35pm. Corey Hart steals second in the 5th inning. No laurel-resting in Milwaukee. Braves hoping for some Badger Mutual Insurance runs.
9:38pm. A dinky single by Hairston scores Hart. 6-1 Crew.
9:41pm. Martin Prado apparently did not realize that they had to fly to St. Louis if they win. He didn't pack clothes. The Braves get nothing. On to the 9th against the bottom of the Phillies lineup.
9:44pm. Buccos pull Locke with Big Prince up. Pitch count, I guess.
9:45pm. Craig Kimbrel in to shut it down, but Polanco singles to right to lead off. Pete "pinch runner" Orr pinch runs for Polanco.
9:47pm. In case you were wondering, Carpenter allowed the Astros a second hit through six. Good for them!
9:48pm. I keep coughing. It doesn't sound good. I feel like I have the croup or tuberculosis or something. Kimbrel strikes out Ruiz with a fastball in his eyes. Dodgers score first against the D-Bags.
9:51pm. Kimbrel walks Ben Francisco on a close 3-2 pitch. I really am tired of hearing "the Phillies are playing with house money."
9:53pm. Kimbrel goes full on Rollins. Walks him. Bases loaded with Chase Utley. Oh boy, Braves. Maybe there won't be any games tomorrow.
9:55pm. The vaunted Braves end-game has just been way too burned out. I wonder if Fredi Gonzalez is thinking about how many games he didn't need to go Venters-Kimbrel earlier this year. Utley sac fly ties the game. 3-3 in the 9th.
9:57pm. Underpants vs. Kimbrel. Kimbrel goes 3-0 on him. Someones cooler?! falls into right field from the stands. Kimbrel walks Underpants. Bases juiced again for Kris Medlen as Kimbrel is booed. America's Team!
9:59pm. Buccos close to 6-2 on an error by Big Prince. Never count out any team ever. Except the Astros.
10:01pm. This is Medlen's second appearance of the year. Two quick strikes against something named Michael Martinez. Third pitch if popped up weakly in foul territory. On to the bottom of the ninth. Will a walk-off give the Braves some momentum?
10:04pm. Jon-Luc strikes out but gets on to first. Then he steals second. Close play. His second of year. Sure, why not risk injury before the playoffs. Carlos Gomez walks. This is a bizarro inning. Josh Wilson in to pinch-bunt. Then a sac fly for a run. Little ball!
10:06pm. Brian McCann. Chance at glory. Pops up vs. Michael Stutes. Half-hearted tomahawk chop in Atlanta. Can't say I blame them. Stutes strikes out Heyward.
10:07pm. Jack Wilson is up again. Chance for free baseball? 100% Jack strikes out.
10:11pm. Rays, remember them?, have the bases loaded with no outs in the 8th as Jesus Montero leaves the game with an injury. Championship manager Joe Girardi goes to the pen for the 9th time. Really, dude? Maybe he's trying to give the Rays fans their money's worth for the last game of the year.
10:14pm. Medlen still in for the 10th for the Braves. Sam Fuld batting for the Rays. 3-0 count from Luis Ayala. Bases-loaded walk. 7-1 Junkees.
10:17pm. Sean Rodriguez hit by pitch. 7-2 Junkees. Medlen gets out of the 10th with no damage.
10:19pm. Cardinals tack on another. 8-0 in the 9th. It might as well be a forfeit. Why not give them a 9-0 win. Dodgers go up 2-0.
10:20pm. Desmond Jennings fights from 0-2 to 3-2. Then he K's on a good pitch as the broadcasters chalk it up to Jennings' inexperience, even though he'd just taken 3 pitches. BJ Upton gets a sac fly. 7-3 Junkees. Evan Longoria is not the tying run...
10:23pm. ... but he still jacks one out of the park!! 7-6 Junkees. It was a total meatball. Announcers are blaming Jennings, not Upton who cut on the first pitch. Morons.
10:24pm. John Jaso pinch hits a single and here is Johnny Damon. Wow. Pinch runner Elliott Johnson steals second.
10:26pm. San Diego Padres 5, Chicago Cubs 2. Just thought I'd cleanse the palate.
10:27pm. Damon pops up. Also the fault of Desmond Jennings.
10:27pm. Michael Bourn, ML leader in steals, is on first. Prado takes some pitches from Michael Schwimer to give Bourn a chance and winds up in the hole. Strikeout. Two outs. Chipper Jones... who, you know, this would be a lot more dramatic if he wasn't going to play next year.
10:30pm. Cardinals shoot the horse. Nice season, Houston.
10:31pm. Full count on Chipper. Tomahawk Chop. Did they even sell this game out? Foul ball by Chipper by about three feet would have been the ballgame. Instead the next pitch, Michael Martinez full speed to the track grabs Chipper's gapper. On to the 11th. Baseball. Oh yes.
10:35pm. For some reason, ESPN has decided that the Yankees game is no longer interesting with a 1-run lead instead of a 7-run lead.
10:36pm. Anthony Varvaro is in to pitch in the 11th for the Braves. Can I believe that someone who sounds like I went to high school with him is going to win this game? Not really.
10:38pm. Junkees throwing garbage hitters up in the 9th. Who is going to close this game???
10:40pm. Carlos Gomez decides not to run into the wall so Walker doubles. Then Yuni-B throws one away. 7-3 Crew in the 8th.
10:41pm. Utley walks. Pence is up. Two outs.
10:42pm. Junkees bring in Cory Wade. That's legit. He gets Zobrist.
10:44pm. Utley steals second.
10:45pm. Wade gets Kotchman. Dan Johnson up as a pinch-hit last hope. He's had a terrible season. This is Desmond Jennings' fault.
10:46pm. Varvaro walks Pence. Michael "what a catch" Martinez works a 3-1 count. Then he flies out.
10:47pm. Are you KIDDING ME???? Dan Johnson home run to tie the game. ESPN put the game back on.
10:49pm. Joe Girardi brings in the 11th pitcher of the game. Scott Proctor. That guy is still around? I thought Joe Torre killed him years ago.
10:51pm. Sean Rodriguez beats out a slow grounder to short. Hey, it's Desmond Jennings. According to John Kruk, he caused global warming.
10:52pm. Braves all swinging from their heels. Who do they think they are? Dan Johnson?
10:54pm. Proctor gets out of the inning. Free baseball in Tampa. On the 12th in Atlanta.
10:55pm. Axford in to finish the game. Dave Stapleton goes in as a defensive sub for Big Prince who probably just finished his final home regular-season game here. :(
10:57pm. Almost a 3-way collision in left field as Yuni-B almost takes out Braun. Greg Brown is offended at how Yuni-B wants his name pronounced -- you know properly, for his culture. Do you know how to pronounce "wanker," Greg?
10:59pm. Alfredo Aceves still in as the Red Sox game begins again. First pitch right into Mark Reynolds' ribs. He pitched 3 and 2/3 last night. Tito, isn't there anyone else available? After Davis cuts on the first pitch and pops out, Aceves drills Nolan Reimold in the shoulder. Three pitches. First and second, Orioles. Come on.
11:02pm. Final in Milwaukee. All right, Crew!!!
11:04pm. Junkees current lineup: Pena, Golson, Chavez, Posada, Dickerson, Gardner, Romine, Nunez, Laird. Still, they have Dickerson in scoring position against Prof. Farnsworth.
11:06pm. Jack Wilson comes up with a HUGE sacrifice bunt. Redemption! Nothing is more exciting than that. Brooks Conrad bats with the winning run on second and one out.
11:07pm. Tito is riding Aceves like Grady Little rode Pedro. He strikes out Robert Andino. Here comes trouble... J.J. Hardy.
11:09pm. Justin De Fratus gets Conrad and walks Bourn intentionally. By doing so, Charlie Manuel apparently has "protected all of baseball." Sure, whatever ESPN.
11:10pm. Martin "no suit for the flight" Prado steps in with 2 outs. He swung like me. Aceves gets Hardy on a ground-out.
11:12pm. Pedro Strop is coming in for the Orioles. A wild pitch puts Hayward on third and Bourn on second. 2-2 on Prado.
11:13pm. Prado gets a dribbler broken bat swinging at ball 3... on to the 13th.
11:14pm. Boston tries to get some Badger Mutual Insurance Runs. Rays get a leadoff walk from Proctor for BJ Upton. Longoria flies out and it's up to Jose Lobaton. Proctor has a 7 ERA.
11:17pm. A hit-and-run double does not result in a run as Scutaro hesitated and is nailed at the plate. On to the bottom of the 8th, 3-2 Sox.
11:19pm. Lobaton strikes out. Wasn't he a Micronaut? Damon another chance to be a hero. Nope. More free baseball.
11:21pm. Scott Linebrink walks Brian Schneider. Braves relievers have tallied 8 walks since the 8th inning.
11:23pm. They just announced the Cardinals are "not going to watch" the Braves game. Whatever. Stupid LaRussa.
11:24pm. Daniel Bard throwing gas against the Orioles. Clean inning. On to the 9th.
11:25pm. Chase Utley first-and-thirds a single through the right side. Brandon Gomes is pitching for the Rays. Does he guarantee victory??
11:27pm. Starting to get confused as to which game I'm watching. My cough sounds like a Victorian tragedy. I should be sleeping.
11:28pm. A busted bat blooper by Underpants gets a lead for the Phillies. Crying in Georgia.
11:30pm. Something kooky going on in Baltimore. An argument about a bobble at first base turns a Sox out into a baserunner in Tacoby. Umpires waited for Tito to come out, though.
11:32pm. Girardi learned from the best. Rule 4 of bullpens: Ride Proctor until game over.
11:34pm. Tacoby steals second.
11:35pm. Braves looking to lose 13 of last 18. Wow. David Herndon strikes out Chipper. Herndon looking for first major-league save. Obligatory shot of Braves locker room primed for champagne celebration.
11:36pm. Can you believe that the three games that started at 7 are still going??
11:37pm. Pedroia first-and-thirds. Proctor walks the leadoff man. Uggla walks with one out.
11:38pm. Crediting the Cardinals' mental toughness, and their losses that "built character." Shut up, guys. Really, just shut up.
11:40pm. Freeman grounds into a double-play. Season over, Braves. 8.5-game lead blown in September. Moving on...
11:41pm. Big Papi with a clutch 2-inch hit keeps Tacoby at third and a force-out of Pedroia.
11:42pm. Someone named Brandon Guyer singles for the Rays. A-Gon intentionally walked to make bases loaded for Lavarnway. Strategy works. Double play. On to the bottom of the 9th.
11:44pm. Sean Rodriguez and Desmond Jennings can't do anything with the two baserunners. On to the 12th. Proctor! Proctor! <- Police Academy reference.
11:46pm. Well, here's Papelbon. Can we have one game end normally?
11:49pm. Greg Golson singles for the Junkees.
11:51pm. More Sox fans than O's fans cheer Papelbon striking out Pac-Man Jones. Jake McGee comes in for the Rays to pitch to Eric Chavez.
11:52pm. Chavez singles on an 0-2 count. Jorge "actual Junkee" Posada up. Papelbon strikes out Reynolds.
11:54pm. ESPN color announcer Rick Sutcliffe just said that Papelbon won't let it get away because he's "been there before." Next pitch is doubled down the line by Chris Davis. I don't know what other profession is shown to be complete bull night in and night out so consistently with no repercussion. Well, maybe running a large non-profit.
11:55pm. Posada grounds into a fielder's choice. One out. First and second.
11:57pm. Brett Gardner up for Junkees. Nolan Reimold for Orioles.
11:58pm. Reimold can't catch up with Papelbon's fastball. Then... with one strike to go... Reimold doubles into the gap. So ridiculous. 3-3.
12:00am. Junkees are out of the 12th without scoring. Proctor out to pitch the bottom. He has pitched the longest of any pitcher.
12:02am. Base hit by Andino is not caught by sliding Carl Crawford. Orioles win 4-3. This is just crazy... crazy.
12:04am. Proctor strikes out Upton. Evan Longoria is up now as tv switches back just in time for him to homer. I would love this game so much if it mattered to the Junkees.
12:06 am. I called it. Holy cow. Holy smokes. No baseball tomorrow. Two epic collapses: Braves and Red Sox -- two wild card teams: Cardinals and Rays. Good night.
I'm feeling kucky so I'm in no shape to help Jessica prepare for her craft show tonight so I'm chilling on the couch with 3 channels of baseball, the internet, and a whole lot of drama to watch.
ESPN and ESPN2 are showing the Sox-Orioles and Phillies-Braves, respectively. My nephew Byrd is upset that the Junkees are trotting out a bunch of schmucks against the Rays but the Sox get to hit against something called Alfredo Simon. In an hour, the Crew take on the Buccos, needing a win to get home field against the D-Bags who pulled a Gibson last night of an even more epic proportion.
7:16pm. Big Papi just got a walk after the ump blew a called third-strike curve ball from Simon but no damage was done.
7:17pm. Meanwhile a re-hydrated Tim Hudson is at 21 pitches already 2 outs into the 1st and Ryan Howard generally murders him... and then launches an opposite-field double to score Pence who walked. Braves... walking dead.
7:20pm. Jon Lester starting for the Sox and Hudson gets out of the inning with only 1 run in but 26 pitches.
7:23pm. J.J. Hardy doubles to the opposite field. He has 29 homers?? Ugh. Shortstops who are not Yuni-B make me depressed. It's weird that ESPN has the strike-zone displayed for the live pitches. Hardy is stranded.
7:27pm. Chipper Jones sac fly scores Michael Bourn who has the worst slide ever. Little ball! Singles, steals, moving the runner! Joe Blanton! Tie game. Also, the Junkees got a run somehow against the Rays (Zobrist error).
7:31pm. Byrd is mad. Dellin Betances: 10 pitches, 7 balls vs. Rays in bottom of first. He has an EIGHTEEN ERA. Despite walking the ballpark, he gets out of the inning. Byrd reminded me that Betances is one of the Junkee future-star "killer B's."
7:40pm. The ESPN announcers are making fun of Mark Reynolds. Last night the Red Sox radio guys were making fun of Mark Reynolds. Reynolds does not strike out this time, however. He grounds into a nice DP by Aviles and Pedroia.
7:42pm. Brian McCann strikes out looking with a man on second and no one out. He looks like he immediately is heading to the clubhouse to watch the video on the bad call. Matt Diaz gets an infield single to make it first and third and now Jack Wilson is up. Wow, this team is not going anywhere even if they win tonight. Too many former Pirates.
7:48pm. Jack Wilson strikes out. Tim Hudson strikes out on two pitches out of the zone. Awful. Meanwhile Sox have first and second with no outs and ESPN managers are saying how Pedroia should bunt because the game is "important." Tito, thankfully, does not call for the bunt and Pedroia singles up the middle for the first run.
7:50pm. The wheels are coming off for David Price. He's got the bases loaded, one out, and Granderson is up.
7:52pm. Granderson pops up and Big Papi grounds into a double play. A-Gon is walked and Ryan Lavarnway is set up to be a hero. Meanwhile, Teixeira grand slams Price and the Sox fans rejoice. Yankees 5, Rays 0.
7:57pm. Lavarnway strikes out. 1-0 Sox.
7:58pm. Cole Hamels is pitching for the Phillies? Back-to-back dink singles by Bourn and Prado set up Chipper as the ESPN guys suggest a bunt. Come on! Then Bourn popped up off third on a double-steal that he'd beaten the throw. Pure tools, baby. Then Chipper K's. Then Uggla... on an 0-2 pitch... goes yard! 3-1 Braves.
8:06pm. J.J. Hardy. Well, now he has 30 homers. Orioles "believe they have found their 'long-term' solution at shortstop." Orioles, 2-1.
8:08pm. Ryan Howard rips a 3-0 fastball past the terribly-ranged diving Uggla. Two on for the Phillies with no outs in the 4th. Hudson up to 53 pitches.
8:10pm. We're told Jose Reyes bunted for a hit and then took himself out of the game earlier today so he can win the batting title. Braun will have to get a couple hits, probably. Jeff Locke looking to "lock" up the victory for the Pirates. Pirates are hitting Granky hard. Cardinals have a run in before even a first out as Pooholes gets third straight single against Brett Myers.
8:13pm. Hudson gets out of the inning. So does Granky.
8:16pm. 2-0 Cardinals. Four straight singles to start the game. Buccos are using a sign sequence against Hart as the first hitter. Is the Crew stealing signs?
8:17pm. David Freese doubles to break up the run of singles. 3-0 Cardinals.
8:20pm. Simon balks and Scutaro ties the game 2-2. Myers gets an out, then gives up another hit. 4-0 Cardinals. Mike Aviles steals and is out by a mile with Tacoby up. Hmm. Little ball!
8:24pm. Nick Freaking Punto just singled. Who is killing the Braves more right now - the Phillies or the Phormer Phillie. Brett Myers has gotten 1 out with 39 pitches. After striking out Carpenter, who has yet to appear in the game, and getting John Jay to ground out on the first pitch, he's finally out of it. Ugh. 5-0 Cardinals.
8:28pm. Granky is still putting Buccos on the bases. Hudson has gotten through 5. Lester through 4.
8:30pm. Here's the lineup that the Astros are going to use to battle back from a 5-0 1st inning deficit: J.B. Shuck, Jose Altuve, J.D. Martinez, Carlos "actual (bad) major leaguer" Lee, Brian "Bogus, dude" Bogusevic, Jimmy Paredes, Clint Barmes, Humberto Quintero. Surprisingly, they go down in order. I don't think I can even pay attention to that thing.
8:35pm. Prince Fielder looks like he could eat Jeff Locke. If he was made of tofu. But he pops out to left. Pedroia homers to take a 3-2 Sox lead. Junkees got another run and Teixeira homers again for a 6-0 lead.
8:38pm. Papi slaps one an inch below a homer for a three-true-outcome single knocking Simon out of the game. Clint Hurdle is saying his high point of the year is "Bucco fans." I kind of like Lacee Collins. She reminds me of someone I know... can't place who though.
8:42pm. Jack Wilson turns a nice double-play to clear the bases ahead of Howard. Hudson strikes him out and Braves still lead 3-1, mid-6th.
8:46pm. Jon-Luc cracks a solo homer just over Xavier Paul's leap. 1-0 Crew. Oh good, Carlos Gomez is playing... and popping out in foul territory on the first pitch. ESPN plays commercials for shows starting "tonight at 9pm" on ABC. What does that tell you about dedication to their content? Sox can't get either of their baserunners in with 3 outs.
8:50pm. Hart goes opposite field. 2-0 Crew. Braves have a couple on with no out and Brian McCann is up again while Rich "smoke some" Dubee visits Vance Worley, the third Phillie Phlinger.
8:53pm. McCann strikes out again, this time swinging. He's an ugly, ugly man. Diaz strikes out. Everyone on the Braves is a fat white guy with a crew cut.
8:56pm. Braun is 0 for 2. No batting title here, folks. Jack Wilson comes through with a 2-out base hit but Dan Uggla is out at home from Hunter Pence/Under Pants/Hunger Pangs and a good home plate block by Carlos Ruiz. Meanwhile the Junkees pile on, as do the Cardinals... 7-0 and 6-0. I think I'm going to just call those.
8:59pm. I kind of like the self-deluding, ennui-filled gen-x girl in these car commercials talking about her parents' lousy lives as the parents tool around in their new car, living life to the fullest. "I'm kind of killing it out here."
9:03pm. Jason Heyward looked like he was trying to fake catching the ball on a double by Ibanez with 1 out. Hudson with 95 pitches. Jaramillo singles in D-Lee to get the Buccos on the board. 2-1 Crew.
9:06pm. Hudson looked tired but got an easy double-play ball to Jack Wilson who boots it. 3-2 Braves and Hudson taken out of game. Hudson said a nice thing to Jack on the way off the mound. He'll get his if they wind up losing.
9:09pm. There's a really loud heckler in Baltimore. I can't tell who he's rooting for. Big Prince just doubled. Lacee Collins kept getting screened out of her shot by Garth Iorg. My least favorite baseball card as a kid. Don't block Lacee, yo!
9:12pm. Lester walks the first two hitters. Vladdy cuts at the first pitch. I love Vladdy. Fielder gets caught going to third on Rickie's single. Amazing DP by Scutaro and Pedroia on Vlad. Eric O'Flaherty gets the Braves out of an inning with a DP.
9:15pm. Lester walks another. Then strikes out Pac-Man Jones who swings at ball 4. Sox preserve lead through 6.
9:20pm. Cardinals tack on another. Whatever, Poo Holes!
9:21pm. Well shut my mouth. Carlos Gomez with a 3-run jack may have just won home field advantage for the Crew. He homered in Game 1 and homered in Game 162. Crew up 5-1.
9:24pm. Venters Avenue on in the 8th for the Braves against their meat of the order. McCann can't hold on to a foul tip third strike from Utley which leads to Venting. Then Utley walks. Pence pounds one off the plate that would have been a double for Vince Coleman. Utley to second, Howard up. They are talking about pitching around him, as a lefty. Howard is in "playoff mode" where he hits lefties so I guess Venters is going to pitch around him. Or just drill him in the shoulder. John Mayberry... full count...
9:31pm. Mayberry draws a walk. Bases juiced. Pinch runner in for Howard. Someone called Michael Martinez.
9:32pm. Raul Ibanez. Even if the Braves hold on, I can't see them hanging with the Cardinals tomorrow. Venters strikes out Ibanez with his 27th pitch. I guess anything can happen in one game.
9:34pm. Umpires call for the tarp in Baltimore. Bottom of the 7th. Still 3-2 Sox. Arizona is about to get underway. Hopefully it won't matter.
9:35pm. Corey Hart steals second in the 5th inning. No laurel-resting in Milwaukee. Braves hoping for some Badger Mutual Insurance runs.
9:38pm. A dinky single by Hairston scores Hart. 6-1 Crew.
9:41pm. Martin Prado apparently did not realize that they had to fly to St. Louis if they win. He didn't pack clothes. The Braves get nothing. On to the 9th against the bottom of the Phillies lineup.
9:44pm. Buccos pull Locke with Big Prince up. Pitch count, I guess.
9:45pm. Craig Kimbrel in to shut it down, but Polanco singles to right to lead off. Pete "pinch runner" Orr pinch runs for Polanco.
9:47pm. In case you were wondering, Carpenter allowed the Astros a second hit through six. Good for them!
9:48pm. I keep coughing. It doesn't sound good. I feel like I have the croup or tuberculosis or something. Kimbrel strikes out Ruiz with a fastball in his eyes. Dodgers score first against the D-Bags.
9:51pm. Kimbrel walks Ben Francisco on a close 3-2 pitch. I really am tired of hearing "the Phillies are playing with house money."
9:53pm. Kimbrel goes full on Rollins. Walks him. Bases loaded with Chase Utley. Oh boy, Braves. Maybe there won't be any games tomorrow.
9:55pm. The vaunted Braves end-game has just been way too burned out. I wonder if Fredi Gonzalez is thinking about how many games he didn't need to go Venters-Kimbrel earlier this year. Utley sac fly ties the game. 3-3 in the 9th.
9:57pm. Underpants vs. Kimbrel. Kimbrel goes 3-0 on him. Someones cooler?! falls into right field from the stands. Kimbrel walks Underpants. Bases juiced again for Kris Medlen as Kimbrel is booed. America's Team!
9:59pm. Buccos close to 6-2 on an error by Big Prince. Never count out any team ever. Except the Astros.
10:01pm. This is Medlen's second appearance of the year. Two quick strikes against something named Michael Martinez. Third pitch if popped up weakly in foul territory. On to the bottom of the ninth. Will a walk-off give the Braves some momentum?
10:04pm. Jon-Luc strikes out but gets on to first. Then he steals second. Close play. His second of year. Sure, why not risk injury before the playoffs. Carlos Gomez walks. This is a bizarro inning. Josh Wilson in to pinch-bunt. Then a sac fly for a run. Little ball!
10:06pm. Brian McCann. Chance at glory. Pops up vs. Michael Stutes. Half-hearted tomahawk chop in Atlanta. Can't say I blame them. Stutes strikes out Heyward.
10:07pm. Jack Wilson is up again. Chance for free baseball? 100% Jack strikes out.
10:11pm. Rays, remember them?, have the bases loaded with no outs in the 8th as Jesus Montero leaves the game with an injury. Championship manager Joe Girardi goes to the pen for the 9th time. Really, dude? Maybe he's trying to give the Rays fans their money's worth for the last game of the year.
10:14pm. Medlen still in for the 10th for the Braves. Sam Fuld batting for the Rays. 3-0 count from Luis Ayala. Bases-loaded walk. 7-1 Junkees.
10:17pm. Sean Rodriguez hit by pitch. 7-2 Junkees. Medlen gets out of the 10th with no damage.
10:19pm. Cardinals tack on another. 8-0 in the 9th. It might as well be a forfeit. Why not give them a 9-0 win. Dodgers go up 2-0.
10:20pm. Desmond Jennings fights from 0-2 to 3-2. Then he K's on a good pitch as the broadcasters chalk it up to Jennings' inexperience, even though he'd just taken 3 pitches. BJ Upton gets a sac fly. 7-3 Junkees. Evan Longoria is not the tying run...
10:23pm. ... but he still jacks one out of the park!! 7-6 Junkees. It was a total meatball. Announcers are blaming Jennings, not Upton who cut on the first pitch. Morons.
10:24pm. John Jaso pinch hits a single and here is Johnny Damon. Wow. Pinch runner Elliott Johnson steals second.
10:26pm. San Diego Padres 5, Chicago Cubs 2. Just thought I'd cleanse the palate.
10:27pm. Damon pops up. Also the fault of Desmond Jennings.
10:27pm. Michael Bourn, ML leader in steals, is on first. Prado takes some pitches from Michael Schwimer to give Bourn a chance and winds up in the hole. Strikeout. Two outs. Chipper Jones... who, you know, this would be a lot more dramatic if he wasn't going to play next year.
10:30pm. Cardinals shoot the horse. Nice season, Houston.
10:31pm. Full count on Chipper. Tomahawk Chop. Did they even sell this game out? Foul ball by Chipper by about three feet would have been the ballgame. Instead the next pitch, Michael Martinez full speed to the track grabs Chipper's gapper. On to the 11th. Baseball. Oh yes.
10:35pm. For some reason, ESPN has decided that the Yankees game is no longer interesting with a 1-run lead instead of a 7-run lead.
10:36pm. Anthony Varvaro is in to pitch in the 11th for the Braves. Can I believe that someone who sounds like I went to high school with him is going to win this game? Not really.
10:38pm. Junkees throwing garbage hitters up in the 9th. Who is going to close this game???
10:40pm. Carlos Gomez decides not to run into the wall so Walker doubles. Then Yuni-B throws one away. 7-3 Crew in the 8th.
10:41pm. Utley walks. Pence is up. Two outs.
10:42pm. Junkees bring in Cory Wade. That's legit. He gets Zobrist.
10:44pm. Utley steals second.
10:45pm. Wade gets Kotchman. Dan Johnson up as a pinch-hit last hope. He's had a terrible season. This is Desmond Jennings' fault.
10:46pm. Varvaro walks Pence. Michael "what a catch" Martinez works a 3-1 count. Then he flies out.
10:47pm. Are you KIDDING ME???? Dan Johnson home run to tie the game. ESPN put the game back on.
10:49pm. Joe Girardi brings in the 11th pitcher of the game. Scott Proctor. That guy is still around? I thought Joe Torre killed him years ago.
10:51pm. Sean Rodriguez beats out a slow grounder to short. Hey, it's Desmond Jennings. According to John Kruk, he caused global warming.
10:52pm. Braves all swinging from their heels. Who do they think they are? Dan Johnson?
10:54pm. Proctor gets out of the inning. Free baseball in Tampa. On the 12th in Atlanta.
10:55pm. Axford in to finish the game. Dave Stapleton goes in as a defensive sub for Big Prince who probably just finished his final home regular-season game here. :(
10:57pm. Almost a 3-way collision in left field as Yuni-B almost takes out Braun. Greg Brown is offended at how Yuni-B wants his name pronounced -- you know properly, for his culture. Do you know how to pronounce "wanker," Greg?
10:59pm. Alfredo Aceves still in as the Red Sox game begins again. First pitch right into Mark Reynolds' ribs. He pitched 3 and 2/3 last night. Tito, isn't there anyone else available? After Davis cuts on the first pitch and pops out, Aceves drills Nolan Reimold in the shoulder. Three pitches. First and second, Orioles. Come on.
11:02pm. Final in Milwaukee. All right, Crew!!!
11:04pm. Junkees current lineup: Pena, Golson, Chavez, Posada, Dickerson, Gardner, Romine, Nunez, Laird. Still, they have Dickerson in scoring position against Prof. Farnsworth.
11:06pm. Jack Wilson comes up with a HUGE sacrifice bunt. Redemption! Nothing is more exciting than that. Brooks Conrad bats with the winning run on second and one out.
11:07pm. Tito is riding Aceves like Grady Little rode Pedro. He strikes out Robert Andino. Here comes trouble... J.J. Hardy.
11:09pm. Justin De Fratus gets Conrad and walks Bourn intentionally. By doing so, Charlie Manuel apparently has "protected all of baseball." Sure, whatever ESPN.
11:10pm. Martin "no suit for the flight" Prado steps in with 2 outs. He swung like me. Aceves gets Hardy on a ground-out.
11:12pm. Pedro Strop is coming in for the Orioles. A wild pitch puts Hayward on third and Bourn on second. 2-2 on Prado.
11:13pm. Prado gets a dribbler broken bat swinging at ball 3... on to the 13th.
11:14pm. Boston tries to get some Badger Mutual Insurance Runs. Rays get a leadoff walk from Proctor for BJ Upton. Longoria flies out and it's up to Jose Lobaton. Proctor has a 7 ERA.
11:17pm. A hit-and-run double does not result in a run as Scutaro hesitated and is nailed at the plate. On to the bottom of the 8th, 3-2 Sox.
11:19pm. Lobaton strikes out. Wasn't he a Micronaut? Damon another chance to be a hero. Nope. More free baseball.
11:21pm. Scott Linebrink walks Brian Schneider. Braves relievers have tallied 8 walks since the 8th inning.
11:23pm. They just announced the Cardinals are "not going to watch" the Braves game. Whatever. Stupid LaRussa.
11:24pm. Daniel Bard throwing gas against the Orioles. Clean inning. On to the 9th.
11:25pm. Chase Utley first-and-thirds a single through the right side. Brandon Gomes is pitching for the Rays. Does he guarantee victory??
11:27pm. Starting to get confused as to which game I'm watching. My cough sounds like a Victorian tragedy. I should be sleeping.
11:28pm. A busted bat blooper by Underpants gets a lead for the Phillies. Crying in Georgia.
11:30pm. Something kooky going on in Baltimore. An argument about a bobble at first base turns a Sox out into a baserunner in Tacoby. Umpires waited for Tito to come out, though.
11:32pm. Girardi learned from the best. Rule 4 of bullpens: Ride Proctor until game over.
11:34pm. Tacoby steals second.
11:35pm. Braves looking to lose 13 of last 18. Wow. David Herndon strikes out Chipper. Herndon looking for first major-league save. Obligatory shot of Braves locker room primed for champagne celebration.
11:36pm. Can you believe that the three games that started at 7 are still going??
11:37pm. Pedroia first-and-thirds. Proctor walks the leadoff man. Uggla walks with one out.
11:38pm. Crediting the Cardinals' mental toughness, and their losses that "built character." Shut up, guys. Really, just shut up.
11:40pm. Freeman grounds into a double-play. Season over, Braves. 8.5-game lead blown in September. Moving on...
11:41pm. Big Papi with a clutch 2-inch hit keeps Tacoby at third and a force-out of Pedroia.
11:42pm. Someone named Brandon Guyer singles for the Rays. A-Gon intentionally walked to make bases loaded for Lavarnway. Strategy works. Double play. On to the bottom of the 9th.
11:44pm. Sean Rodriguez and Desmond Jennings can't do anything with the two baserunners. On to the 12th. Proctor! Proctor! <- Police Academy reference.
11:46pm. Well, here's Papelbon. Can we have one game end normally?
11:49pm. Greg Golson singles for the Junkees.
11:51pm. More Sox fans than O's fans cheer Papelbon striking out Pac-Man Jones. Jake McGee comes in for the Rays to pitch to Eric Chavez.
11:52pm. Chavez singles on an 0-2 count. Jorge "actual Junkee" Posada up. Papelbon strikes out Reynolds.
11:54pm. ESPN color announcer Rick Sutcliffe just said that Papelbon won't let it get away because he's "been there before." Next pitch is doubled down the line by Chris Davis. I don't know what other profession is shown to be complete bull night in and night out so consistently with no repercussion. Well, maybe running a large non-profit.
11:55pm. Posada grounds into a fielder's choice. One out. First and second.
11:57pm. Brett Gardner up for Junkees. Nolan Reimold for Orioles.
11:58pm. Reimold can't catch up with Papelbon's fastball. Then... with one strike to go... Reimold doubles into the gap. So ridiculous. 3-3.
12:00am. Junkees are out of the 12th without scoring. Proctor out to pitch the bottom. He has pitched the longest of any pitcher.
12:02am. Base hit by Andino is not caught by sliding Carl Crawford. Orioles win 4-3. This is just crazy... crazy.
12:04am. Proctor strikes out Upton. Evan Longoria is up now as tv switches back just in time for him to homer. I would love this game so much if it mattered to the Junkees.
12:06 am. I called it. Holy cow. Holy smokes. No baseball tomorrow. Two epic collapses: Braves and Red Sox -- two wild card teams: Cardinals and Rays. Good night.
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